A carpenter, commits suicide over penis insecurity A man arrives at the Pearly Gates. Tony replied: lightning. To not attract bugs. An arsonist lights an economist's house on fire. I once saw a carpenter throw a long, pointed tool into another long pointed carpenteg Awl in awl, it was a carpenter wood jokes zero experience.

How is Bud Light like having sex in a boat? They're both fucking close to water. Why are lights in a series more loyal than lights in parallel? If one goes down in a series, they all go down with it. A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought o Lets face it English is a stupid language There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.

English muffins were not invented in England French fries were not invented in France. We sometimes take English for granted But if we examine its paradoxes Lighting a Fart I tried to light a fart today, it didn't go well and I had to go to the doctor with Turd Degree Burns. LONG : An elderly man on a Moped, looking about years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light. Looking at the shiny car ,the old man asks the doctor "What ya driving there sonny?

It cost half a million dollars! How many Freudian psychanalysts do you need to change a light bulb? Two: One to change the light bulb, and one to hold the penis. I meant the ladder. Every time you light a lighter, it gets lighter. I found the first four Harry Potter books to be quite light hearted. Fifth one— Dead Sirius. Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar. My life is a joke. John went to the pub for some light drinking He found a few old buddies and ended up drinking late into the night.

When he finally returned home at 3AM, he was expecting to be scolded, beaten and taunted by his wife. He was so drunk he passed out on the sofa. The next morning he wakes up to find his wife humming tunes happily. Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself. Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith".

Satan laughs and replies: Awh it's not so bad. He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, Wood Carpenter Nails Zero scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, a request that's always gran Why do most programmers use dark mode?

Because the light attracts too many bugs. A guy walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke, but the bartender hands him an apple. I ordered a rum and coke," the guy protests. So, the guy bites the apple, and his eyes light up. What did you soak it in it? What do anti-vaxxers do at Covid funerals? Stare at the ceiling. I've never won an Evil Cackle Award before, so as you can imagine, I'm over the moon.

I'm going to put it in the candy bowl every Halloween for the neighbor kids Why did Santa go to the red light district? He likes a good ho ho ho. A grandfather and his young grandson were out walking one morning after a light rain They notice an earthworm on the ground having just crawled out of its burrow. He returns a few minutes lat A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them. Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross.

What kind of light does an Australian use to shave? Rise Up Lights Say it out loud. How many redditors does it take to change a light bulb? How many IT support guys does it take to change the light bulb? They just switch it off and on a few times and it works like new. Single-handedly managed the successful upgrade and deployment of new environmental illumination system with zero cost overruns and zero safety incidents.

How many existancialists does it take to change a light bulb? One to change the light bulb and one who observes how it symbolizes an incandescent beacon of subjectivity in another world of cosmic nothingness. So they throw a cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter. George was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house? Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would How do you build a light house With Balsa wood. How many mice does it take to screw in a light-bulb? Two, but I still don't know how they got in there!

It's my cake day and I remembered to make a post! Wait, one thing say today and one thing says tomorrow - it's today gosh darn it! I tried my best to translate this from Romanian A nun walks into a bar and goes straight to the bartender Nun: Hi! May I use your bathroom?

Bartender: Sure thing! But before you go in there's something you should know. Nun: Yes? Bartender: When you walk in, there's gonna be a statue of a dude wearing nothing but a lea A man walks into an antique store and starts looking around. Suddenly, he gazes upon the most beautiful bronze statue of a siamese cat.

He asks the store owner how much he wants for the statue. Guy stops the car at the red light Looks around and notices a beautiful girl. He waves, she waves back. He winks, she winks. He opens the window, she opens the window. Then he asks "What's up? You also farted? Geoffrey, a middle aged British tourist on his first visit to Germany finds the red light district and enters a large brothel.

The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.

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I'm so sorry. Edit: grammer, and i guess I'm not sorry :p Edit2: grammar, damnit Edit3: dammit! Johnny has the day off from school and is bugging his mom Johnny: mom, I'm bored I want to do something. Mom: See those construction workers building that house across the street?

Why don't you go over there and see what they are doing, maybe you'll learn something. So Johnny does what his mom told him and spends all day across the street. What do you call a bunch of carpenter ants?

A construction site. A woman decides to surprise her husband with a brand new luxury wardrobe While he's at work she goes to IKEA and finds a beautiful wardrobe, buys it, and returns home.

Reading the instructions, she easily assembles the marvelous piece of furniture Then, as she stood satisfied about her work, a bus passed by the window and the whole wardrobe fell apart. My brother said it's his lifes ambition to give a hand job to a plumber, an electrician, a carpenter and a builder. Hes wants to be a jack off all trades. Was your daddy a carpenter? Because I wouldn't nail you if I was hammered. What does a carpenter use to make a casket when someone dies with an erection Mourning wood.

What do you call a Middle Eastern carpenter? Ahmed Ashed. A cowboy rides into a strange town and sees carpenters finishing work on a gallows He sees a guy tying up his horse in front of the saloon and calls, "Hey, are you folks gonna hang someone? We're fixin' to hang Brown Paper Larry.

Your mom is a carpenter's dream. Flat as a board and easy to nail. A carpenter, a tailor, a sailor, a priest and an economist were stranded on a desert island.

All t Soo, I measured my penis using a carpenters ruler. I'm pretty proud to say, that I have a cm long dick. Carpenter bees used to swarm our exposed cedar beams outside Carpenter bees dig into wood and bore out entry holes as well as a labyrinth of tunnels. My aunt came to visit once and was on the phone with her husband.

Although mostly mostly harmless, th Where did the carpenter go when his co-worker cut his dick off in an accident? Small claims court.

I once dated a workaholic carpenter. I told her to choose: "It's me or your tools. One day when Jesus was relaxing in Heaven, He happened to notice a familiar-looking old man. Wondering if the old man was His father Joseph, Jesus asked him, "Did you, by any chance, ever have a son? He was born by a miracle, by the intervention of a magical being from the heavens. I once gave a plumber, a carpenter and a bricklayer a hand job at the same time.

I guess you could call me a jack off all trades. Every time the train passes by, the wardrobe crumbles.. A woman living next to a train rail have her bedroom wardrobe crumble every time a train passes by, she got enough, called a carpenter to fix the problem for good. The man comes to her, enters the bedroom and checks to wardrobe.. I once saw a carpenter throw a long, pointed tool into another long pointed tool… Awl in awl, it was a cool experience.

The head is on the wrong end of this nail. A carpenter was putting siding on a house. He'd reach in his pouch pull out a nail and drive it, then he'd pull out a nail and toss it over his shoulder, he continued, sometimes driving the nail and sometimes tossing it. His partner asked, "Why are you throwing away some of your na A farmer calls a carpenter to fix his fence The carpenter asks what is the problem with the fence.

The man explains that the support columns are not strong enough and that his fence keeps falling over. The carpenter asks "What are your suport columns made of? I applied for a job as a carpenter the other day. I had to demonstrate my skill with a piece of wood. I nailed it. Fun Facts about ants So as you may or may not know, ants have many breeds, but above these breeds, two general groups can be seen in ants around the world. These groups are the Macro ants Big ants , and the Micro ants Small ants.

Multiple different breeds of ants can be found in each of the two groups Such A blonde girl manages to break her door and takes it to a carpenter to get it fixed Blonde: Could you please fix this for me? Carpenter: Sure, but if you're here someone could rob your house Blonde: Oh but how would they enter, the door is with me! A good zinger that my friend carpenter used on a doctor So this Dr hired my friend who's a carpenter to do some work around the house, the doc was curiously looking over my friends shoulder as he was putting a piece of molding to cover his uneven cut.

The doc said with a cavalier attitude "that's an easy way to hide your mistakes! So he scribbles down some words on a piece of paper and reviews what he wrote, nodding in approval. He hops into his Two Carpenters Two carpenters were working on a house.

One older one and one newer to the job. They were both working on one side of the house. After a few hours of working the older guy noticed the young guy looking at every nail, then dropping about half. The older one exclaimed about this and asked. Larry, the clumsy carpenter, was using his tablesaw and leaned in close to check he was following the line he had marked on the plank. His left ear gets neatly severed, tumbles through the air and lands in the pile of sawdust.

Screaming in pain and panic, Larry drops to the ground, one hand pressed against his head and the other sifting through the sawdust. Joe, hearing the commotion, races over to help. Two carpenters are fixing a barn roof Joseph knew how to build a proper table; he was a carpenter, after all. Mary had a harder time, so she had Emmanuel. Translated from another language. A man had a damaged main door and needed it to be replaced. When he called the carpenter, he said that he would be there in the evening.

On arriving in the evening, the carpenter judged the size of the door, material, etc. Unable to keep his tho Jesus is down by the gates to Heaven when an old man approaches. It was my son who was Carpenter Bee Resistant Wood Zero truly great. Although he wasn't my biological son

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