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So he tells her to go back to her seat, and sit down. A short time later, another old woman comes forward, and claims that she was just molested. The driver starts to think he may have a bus load of old wackos, but who would be molesting those old ladies? When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles. I thought I found it three times, but every time I grab it, it keeps running away.

How can they display such a thing, especially with his private parts being so large! That evening after dinner, the grandfather explains to his grandson, about finding the bottle of Viagra, and how for a long time, wanted to test the drug out for himself. The grandson was hesitate about giving him the drug, especially not knowing what type of reaction or side-affect it could have on his elderly grandfather. Curious, he goes and asks his grandfather why he left so much money.

In the early days of mixed play, an English couple, an Irish couple and a Scottish couple are at the links ready to tee off. Go and buy yourself some underwear. Her skirt blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. Why not? Go and buy yourself some underwear! The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too is naked under it.

Tidy yourself up a wee bit. There was only one thing bothering me, and that was my mother-in-law to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all, beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted with me, which made me feel quite uncomfortable.

One day mother-in-law called me and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. So I went. She was alone when I arrived. As we looked at the invitations, she rubbed her breasts into me so enticingly. I could not help but notice through her sheer blouse that she was wearing no bra.

Her breasts were magnificent, to say the least. She went on to indicate that before I got married and committed my life to her daughter, she wanted to make love to me just for once. She pointed out that no one would be home for at least three hours.

I stood there for a moment, watching her go slowly up the stairs in her formfitting miniskirt. I then turned around and went to the front door. I opened it and stepped out of the house. Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes.

Welcome to the family. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. Did you hear the one about the woman who begged her husband to take her somewhere expensive for a change?

There was a crowd of bees flying around. These bees were a bit different as they were powered by gasoline. As the swarm along, periodically a bee or two would start to sputter; it would fly down to a gas station, drink up the gas spilled in fueling a car, and then fly up and rejoin the crowd. One bee began to sputter a little, but flew right by an open gas station. As he passed the second station, he coughing badly, but still he flew on.

Finally, as he was on his last fumes, he dove down to a station and gassed up. You passed another station when you were perilously low. And finally, you ran out of gas just in time to glide into that last station. Are you crazy? The first station was a Gulf station.

The second station was a Texaco station. But the third station was an Esso station. Let me tell you, Esso is my brand of gasoline. With gun in lap: Riverside.

Bubba pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. Clem told him to pick a number from 1 to If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time.

A week later, Bubba, along with Bobby Sue, his blond girlfriend, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. Clem again asked him to guess the correct number. Bubba guessed 2 this time. You were close, but no free sex this time. A tired trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. What does he think this place is.. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer. My neighbour was out working in his yard, when he was startled by a late model car, that came crashing through his hedge and ended up on his front lawn.

The last time I went to my doctor he examined me, and asked if I had a driving license. I told him yes and handed it to him. He took his scissors out of his drawer, cut the license into pieces and threw them in the waste basket. Before Obama was elected President he went to see Bill and Hillary for some campaign advice, at their spacious home.

After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. That afternoon, Obama told his wife, Michelle, about the urinal.

Later, when Michelle had lunch with Hillary, she told Hillary how impressed Obama had been at his discovery of the fact that, in his private bathroom, Bill had a gold urinal. That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled and said to Bill:. An Amish woman was driving her buggy to town when a highway patrol officer stopped her.

Some people might consider this cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that too. True to her word when the Amish lady got home she told her husband about the broken reflector, and he said he would put a new one on immediately.

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. They used to live here in a big, brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds.

Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren. So he phoned Jesus to ask for the day off. Take as much time as you need. As Jesus pondered who he might use to replace Peter, he Best Bench Vise Canada Trademark decided to handle the job himself. It was a very slow day and no one approached the Gates until late in the afternoon, when in the distance, Jesus saw a bent, white-haired old man slowly making his way up the path with the aid of a gnarled cane.

Tell me, what have you done to deserve such an honor? As Jesus listened to the story, a sense of recognition came to him. They stand at the bar drinking and talking about current cattle prices. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.

The cowboy walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her panties, and runs his tongue all over her butt cheeks in a circular motion. The woman is so shocked, that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the cowboy walks slowly back to the bar and takes a drink from his beer. The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body.

Shamus fell, ya see, into the vat of Guinness and drowned. A man had yard-line tickets for the Superbowl. As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. The flea can jump times its body length. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a Police Officer. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear…! Park park : v. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children.

Comes off if you cry, shower or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it. A day when you have dreams of a candle light dinner, diamonds and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Fred and Edna agree and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word. An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up. A redneck, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a shipwreck.

They found themselves stranded on a deserted island. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red, with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the redneck.

Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it, but the dog got jealous and began growling fiercely until the redneck took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor, was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the redneck had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, but they slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual It was another beautiful evening; red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze—perfect for a night of romance. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear….

I was traveling between Phoenix and Chicago the other day. Just south of Kansas City a tire blew out. Checking my spare, I found that it too was flat. My only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the next town. The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a van.

Another guy stopped, rolled down the window, and asked me the same question. The driver gave me the finger and drove off. I thought it over Best Bench Vise Canada 8s and decided that maybe I should change my strategy, since this area seemed to be overly political and there appeared to be few Republicans. The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde.

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John B. Dodd wanted a special day to honor her father, William Smart. William Smart, a Civil War veteran, was widowed when his wife Mrs. Smart was left to raise the newborn and his other five children by himself on a rural farm in eastern Washington state. It was after Mrs. Dodd became an adult that she realized the strength and selflessness her father had shown in raising his children as a single parent.

Disney Movie Trivia Questions and Answers. First Child: Rush child to the emergency room. Spend the night with him in his room just in case the bleeding started again. Second Child: Bandage the cut. Spend the next two hours rocking child to relieve the pain.

A dad was relating a conversation he had with his young daughter, just a bit over two years old. They were discussing geography. Many, many years ago When I was twenty three, I got married to a widow, Pretty as could be. This widow had a grown-up daughter With flowing hair of red. My father fell in love with her, And soon the two were wed. This made my dad my son-in-law And changed my very life. To complicate the matters worse, Although it brought me joy.

I soon became the father Of a bouncing baby boy. My little baby then became A brother-in-law to dad. And so became my uncle, Though it made me very sad. If my wife is my grandmother, Then I am her grandchild. And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild. For now I have become The strangest case you ever saw. As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!

A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother that there were 2 boy kitties and 2 girl kitties. The Pilgrim Fathers landed on the shores of America and fell on their knees; then they fell upon the aborigines.

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, Is your Daddy home? Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.

By and by she was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. They put a cot in the kitchen. I started early teaching my kids the value of a dollar. From then on, they demanded their allowances in gold.

Waiting for the bathroom. Caution: Do not step in exhaust. There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals. Does it look like I have a GE Logo printed on my forehead? Does it look like I have Defy written on my forehead? So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out.

As he walks to the house he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake. I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.

I want to take my money to the Afterlife with me. And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him. If he can cash it, he can spend it. He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview.

The blonde was exultant. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do — write to these men?

First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then with her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing.

Matching white shoes and belt a plus. Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem. Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning. Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel. God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things.

Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever. I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. Get out of the car! She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.

She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story could not stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, white hair, and carrying a large handgun. Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

While my wife and I were shopping at a mall, a shapely young woman in a short, form-fitting dress strolled by. I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?

Mabel thought for a long while. I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. The first guy accidentally steps on one, and soon here comes St. The next day the second guy steps on a duck, and sure enough, St. Peter comes with another real ugly woman and chains them together. Seeing this, the third guy is very, very careful. Then one day, St. Peter comes along with this beautiful woman, a blue-eyed blonde, very young and very sexy.

He chains them together and leaves without saying a word. Male, model, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves.

Two elderly women meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack, and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch! Little old lady is sitting on a bench in Miami Beach. A man walks over and sits down on the other end of the bench. A vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on a door in a senior community.

It was opened by an old lady in a bathrobe. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.

This will be your home now. Hector asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. Hector looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever-built on Earth.

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages and a fountain of champagne.

Peter to Hector. Hector looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. Peter replied. This is Heaven! We could have been here ten years ago!!!!! I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, Happy birthday!

So, when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent. We went to lunch. We had 2 martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. She went into the bedroom, and in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of our friends, all loudly singing Happy Birthday. After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Cleveland to say hello to his friends.

My beautiful Virginia, she pack a biga basket a food. She brought vina, some nice cigars for me, and we were lookin a forward to da trip. Everything wasa Okey Dokey until we gotta hungry and open upa da luncha basket. Musta use a dining car. Musta use a club a car. Must go to smokina car. Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car anda go to bed.

Nofolka, Virginia! My face is all wrinkled, my boobs sag so much that they dangle to my waist, my arms and legs are as flabby as popped balloons, and…my butt looks like a sad, deflated version of the Hindenberg!

My fenders are too wide to be considered stylish. Air bags? Forget it. The only bags I have these days are under my eyes. Not counting the saddlebags, of course. I have soooooo many miles on my odometer. My reaction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. But, she married yet again and this time had five more children. Again, her husband died. Then alas, she finally died.

I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end. We then made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz, we made love, and she screamed for over six hours. The Italian and Frenchman were stunned. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car.

Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My wife has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Now it was my time to be silent.

Mommy fainted; daddy had a heart attack, and the boy next door joined the Army. They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.

Swen and Ole objected strongly. Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. An old man turned and was being interviewed by a reporter for the local paper. During the interview the reporter noticed that the yard was full of children of all ages playing together.

A very pretty girl of about 19 served the old man and the reporter, keeping them in fresh tea and running errands for them. Is she one of your children too?

Every night two of my boys helps me on, and every morning six of my boys helps me off. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume,moved into their tent and began to give the moose love call.

Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. What are we going to do!? A South Carolina farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called — and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring. Which proves the fact that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

Barney found a bottle of Viagra in the medicine cabinet. He asked his son Bill about using one of the pills. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately. Can you do this? The husband thought for a moment and replied,..

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled On the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a large pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a large flow of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned on the answering machine, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house.

The cat they had put out into the yard scooted back into the house. The wife got into the taxi while the husband went back inside to get the cat.

The cat ran upstairs, the man in hot pursuit. She explained to the taxi driver that her husband would be out soon. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck.

But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard! An escaped convict breaks into a house, only to find a young couple in bed. I saw how he kissed your neck. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. Be strong, honey. I love you! He was whispering in my ear. I rubbed her body all over with chicken fat.

We made love, and she screamed for over six hours. An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He tossed his books on the floor. First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden. Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder, And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.

Then he added a mouth. Ruined the whole damn thing. We know that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his own hands! Look at you! He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. And it will have to be our little secret. Woman to woman. Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!

Sally, Betty, and Jo Ann were all getting married. Sally and Betty were from the city, Jo Ann from the country. All three said that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and all agreed to wait for several years. The counselor then asked Sally what type of birth control she planned to use. He asked the Betty what system she planned on using. He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going.

They all met again one year later and Betty and Sally were pregnant. Only Jo Ann was slim and trim yet. She replied that she used the rhythm method, but somehow got her notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby. He asked the second Betty what method she used. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you? Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the pail out from under him.

The next morning, the wife looked outside and saw a small package in the driveway. She brought it inside, opened it, and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Oh SPAM! Gourmet delight! My food by day, my dreams by night. To carve, to slice, to dice you up — pureed in a blender and sipped from a cup. What shining deity from Olympus knelt down to the earth and hog butt smelt? On some corporate farm, a pig has died. Eyes, tongue, and snout end up inside that cube of SPAM hidden in the can I now hold in my trembling hand. More than mere food, SPAM is for me a hedonistic expression of gluttonous glee.

Mottled with pork fat, the pink cube engrosses. My mouth takes it in, my intestine disposes. Triple bypass by forty, my medical goal. Though each may be tasty in different ways, none matches SPAM for gelatinous glaze. That glistening pinkness beckons me with gristle, fat, and BHT. Oh Spam, my Spam — the taste, the smell — The sacred meat product from Hormel.

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural club. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. Jim, an elderly man living in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice — picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and grapefruit trees.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. Jim made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

An old man and a young boy were traveling through their village with their donkey. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.

The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions. Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned. The moral of the story: If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye.

The following day, the same cop in the area noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Marge and Barb are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. The next day, Barb hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely she is after all, over 80 years of age , but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting.

Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses. I thought the results were pretty interesting:. Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again. I just sit around and listen to the conversations.. How do you feel? I would recommend it very highly. Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. Maybe you should write it down? You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries. Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream — I got it, for goodness sake!

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool… After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. A year-old woman went to the doctor for a check up. The doctor tells her she needed more cardiovascular activity and recommended that she engage in sex three times a week.

The doctor went out into the waiting room and told the husband that his wife needed sex three times a week. The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 45 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War.

She noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.

Can you tell the free world just what enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles? While walking down the street one day a female head of state is tragically hit by a truck and dies. Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. Then you can choose where to spend eternity. Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell.

The doors open and she finds herself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all her friends and other politicians who had worked with her, everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet her, hug her, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before she realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives her a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for her. They have a good time and, before she realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St.

Peter returns. Now choose your eternity. So Saint Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and she is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. She sees all her friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags.

The Devil comes over to her and lays his arm on her neck. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. Today you voted for us! While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looks down into Hell and sees the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, pastries and wines. Curious, but deeply trusting, she remains The next day God again invites her to join Him for a meal.

Once again, Mother Teresa can see the denizens of Hell enjoying caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles and chocolates. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread, and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! God sighs. A blonde was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.

The blonde nodded. Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. Every marriage has to have its first fight!

One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so. God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple of times. God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.

God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge. We then seal them front and back with up to 20 coats of clear lacquer to bring out the beauty of the wood. The back of each ornament is mahogany plywood.

Sizes range…. This first section shows Intarsia pieces that I have designed the patterns for and created. You can purchase finished pieces either in the woods I have selected for them, or with different colors and Woodworking pattern of a Lighthouse scroll saw Intarsia Pattern. Light House scene with sea gull birds, setting sun, and rocks in frame.

Wire brush was used to texture the rocks. İntarsia duck Tree interior wood colour are used at all my works and all are hand cut off. Finished with protective polish. This works make a difference in your home. Some of the wood I used Maclura, iroko, poplar, walnut,padok,orange,mulberry, eucalyptus,sapelli, Iron tree, albizia 19 inches tall and 14,5 inches wide.

What is…. Check out our intarsia woodworking selection for the very best in unique or custom, handmade pieces from our wall hangings shops. Because of this each has. Would be a great option for that family wall of pictures.

Lee Valley Bottom Mount Drawer Slides List Drill Master Portable Pocket Hole Jig Industries